Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
