the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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