My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
