I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
