I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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