**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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