after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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