we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
