I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
