Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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