flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
