I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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