I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
