So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
