I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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