God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Randomize