I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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