i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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