You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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