break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize