there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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