seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You are a genius and a whore.
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