saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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