So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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