im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
