my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
