2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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