He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
and you said cock pushups were impossible
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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