I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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