i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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