At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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