A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
