You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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