There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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