I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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