my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
