Jerry, you need to find god
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
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