he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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