my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
