I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
