How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
