im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
