Betty ford says i'm here all night
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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