This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
