i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
