the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize