you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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