Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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