a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
