Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
