everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
