I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
