I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
