I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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