in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
