he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
