i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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