Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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