when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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